Klowns in my Koffee

My husband and I are not sports people. He was always picked last and so was I – except for the times when I was chosen by the teacher to be captain, not because I was any good at athletics but because I was all responsible and leaderly and respectful and things that teachers like. It was a shock to discover that our son was the apparent biological offspring of über-jocks. After a period of reflection, we decided to treat this as an alternative lifestyle ... not that there's anything wrong with that ... and give him our full and completely ignorant support.

With two children in Little League, we attend games three or four times per week. Baseball is an appealing sport because we sort of understand it and because it is a cheap sport in which to involve your children compared to hockey and football. Also warmer.

Not having played sports in a team environment, I was perplexed at first by the various admonishments heard repeatedly from the coach and the stands. In time, I compiled this lexicon for other parents who also confuse a pop fly with that conspicuous lump made by children's athletic supporters. (My son will drum on his and it makes a sound like hitting a coconut. Proud, proud parent moment.)

1. "Let's go, {name here}, let's go ... (ad nauseum)

Means: We are bored and want an excuse to yell. [By high school, it means we are drunk and want an excuse to yell.]

2. "Good swing"

Means: You missed, but you didn't let go on the backswing and impale the catcher this time. Also said when the batter looks just like the picture in the manual but connects with nothing.

3. "Run it out"

Means: The ball is two feet from the first baseman so you are surely out, but you should run and not second guess in case he drops it.

4. "Good eye"

Means:

A. The pitch was two feet over your head and you didn't swing at it.

B. The pitch was targeted at your head and you jumped out of the way just in time. (This is particularly true if the child does that Matrix thing to avoid taking a hit to the solar plexus.)

5. "Good hustle"

Means: You ran pretty fast, but not as fast as that kid who got you out.

6. "Be ready out there"

Means: Stop lying or sitting on the grass, making duck noises and moving the bill of your cap up and down, or adjusting your athletic supporter. Or drumming on it to the rhythm of "Let's go, Tommy, let's go."

7. "Make a play"

Means: Next time, let's hope that the four kids who touched the ball can get it to a base, any base.

8. "It's a pitcher's game"

Means: (Particularly poignant during machine pitch games) The score is zero to zero and no one can get on base because the machine has decided to pitch randomly in a wedge pattern 15 feet wide and either at your feet or your head.

9. "Watch the ball"

Means: All the other clichés have been used recently and we are starting over.

10. "Good game"

Means: Good game.