Klowns in my Koffee

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." — Dr. Seuss

I've had some uplifting communications with former coworkers over the last couple of days. I'm everlastingly grateful to them for their gifts of humor, strength and companionship over the years.

In honor of them, here is a gift of twisted Seuss-ian poetry as he might have written about my former employer, the all-too-impeachable 'Porkus' Computer Systems. For those of you -- you know who you are and so do I -- who may wonder if I wrote a non-family-friendly version of this, well, you'll just have to wonder. Feel free to submit your own stanzas.


Porkus was busy,
So busy you see,
They added new branches
Like leaves on a tree.

They added them Up,
East, West and Down,
And whenever they could,
They hired a klown.

Thing 1 and Thing 2,
They grasped at each dime,
And wrestled for power
Like brothers in crime.

"Our factories are full,
Our checkbooks are sunny,
But we want
MORE ... MORE ... MORE
Of the money."

"You all try to cheat us
And swindle our dough,
Workers and customers,
You all have to go."

Then they thought up a plan
So evil to do
That the truffletrees trembled
For Thing 1 and Thing 2.

"We must scare employees,
Put them down in the dumps.
I know who we'll hire!
An old bat wearing pumps."

"Next, we'll jettison customers
of the Porkus PC
By removing that thing
That they call Quality."

"We'll drive away sales
Let them fall PLOP ... PLOP ... PLOP
And blame the employees
And say you're an ESOP."

"Let's crush them with labor
And triple their work,
And out in LA
Let us hire a jerk."

"He'll make a Call Center
Where clients are hurled
And he'll make it sound
Like it's in the Third World."

"American workers,
They get too much pay.
Let's send it to China
For two bucks a day."

There was a recession.
That much was true.
A chance to dismantle for
Thing 1 and Thing 2.

They gathered the klowns
And shared the big goal
And said, "Go close branches
But don't tell a soul."

"Tear down what we built.
Suck it dry for the cash.
We'll invest it in cupboards
And then make a dash."

And, in the end,
It was sad but it's true,
All that were left
Were Thing 1 and Thing 2.

No employees for payroll.
The phones will not ring.
The buildings are empty
Save just one thing.

The last piece of Porkus.
On the carpet it sat:
The tiny black heart
Of the old HR bat.

They threw a big party
On the cabinet side
And grinned a sick grin
With their mouths open wide.

"Silly employees!"
Thing 1 lit the rockets.
The term 'ESOP' stands for
"Everyone Stuff Our Pockets."