Klowns in my Koffee

I completed the final draft of my resume on Friday and had it reviewed over the weekend. After a couple of final tweaks, I posted it on LinkedIn on Monday and did a happy little dance.

The first draft had bounced because I lacked sufficient "resume power verbs." They sent me this list of suggestions:

Accelerated, accomplished, achieved, addressed, administered, advised, allocated, answered, appeared, applied, appointed, appraised, approved, arranged, assessed, assigned, assisted, assumed, assured, audited, awarded, bought, briefed, broadened, brought, budgeted, built, cataloged, caused, changed, chaired, clarified, classified, closed, collected, combined, commented, communicated, compared, compiled, completed, computed, conceived, concluded, conducted, conceptualized, considered, consolidated, constructed, consulted, continued, contracted, controlled, converted, coordinated, corrected, counseled, counted, created, critiqued, cut, dealt, decided, defined, delegated, delivered, demonstrated, described, designed, determined, developed, devised, diagnosed, directed, discussed, distributed, documented, doubled, drafted, earned, edited, effected, eliminated, endorsed, enlarged, enlisted, ensured, entered, established, estimated, evaluated, examined, executed, expanded, expedited, experienced, experimented, explained, explored, expressed, extended, filed, filled, financed, focused, forecast, formulated, found, founded, gathered, generated, graded, granted, guided, halved, handled, helped, identified, implemented, improved, incorporated, increased, indexed, initiated, influenced, innovated, inspected, installed, instituted, instructed, insured, interpreted, interviewed, introduced, invented, invested, investigated, involved, issued, joined, kept, launched, learned, leased, lectured, led, licensed, listed, logged, made, maintained, managed, matched, measured, mediated, met, modified, monitored, motivated, moved, named, navigated, negotiated, observed, opened, operated, ordered, organized, oversaw, participated, perceived, performed, persuaded, planned, prepared, presented, processed, procured, programmed, prohibited, projected, promoted, proposed, provided, published, purchased, pursued, qualified, questioned, raised, ranked, rated, realized, received, recommended, reconciled, recorded, recruited, redesigned, reduced, regulated, rehabilitated, related, reorganized, repaired, replaced, replied, reported, represented, researched, resolved, responded, restored, revamped, reviewed, revise, saved, scheduled, selected, served, serviced, set, set up, shaped, shared, showed, simplified, sold, solved, sorted, sought, sparked, specified, spoke, staffed, started, streamlined, strengthened, stressed, stretched, structured, studied, submitted, substituted, succeeded, suggested, summarized, superseded, supervised, surveyed, systematized, tackled, targeted, taught, terminated, tested, took, toured, traced, tracked, traded, trained, transferred, transcribed, transformed, translated, transported, traveled, treated, trimmed, tripled, turned, tutored, umpired, uncovered, understood, understudied, unified, unraveled, updated, upgraded, used, utilized, verbalized, verified, visited, waged, weighed, widened, won, worked, wrote.

There are a few here that I don't imagine get a whole lot of use -- "waged"? "umpired"?

This is a pretty long list.

Maybe they would be better off telling people what words to avoid. Here are some words that should raise a red flag with the most obtuse HR person:

abused, ambushed, assassinated, assaulted, astrally projected, bankrupted, bastardized, beamed down, blackmailed, bribed, browbeat, bungled, burgled, channelled, colluded, connived, contaminated, corrupted, counterfeited, crashed, "creatively acquired", crippled, decapitated, deflowered, deforested, defrauded, destabilized, destroyed, devalued, devastated, fleeced, embezzled, endangered, enraged, fellated, finagled, harassed, haunted, hijacked, incited, infected, infested, interfered, insinuated, kidnapped, kissed, licked, libeled, loathed, maimed, maligned, malingered, misappropriated, molested, murdered, overdosed, peeped, pimped, pirated, plagiarized, poisoned, polluted, prophesied, propositioned, prostituted, ridiculed, rioted, robbed, screwed (except in the hardware sense), skirted, slandered, smuggled, snatched, snitched, snorted, spoke in tongues, stabbed, stole, strangled, swindled, tattled, teleported, terrorized, traveled through time, vacillated, victimized, violated, vomited, wasted, whored

Why hasn't someone invented the Madlib resume?

Please comment on a word that you can't envision appearing on even the most twisted resume. No points for obscenities because that's just TOO easy.