Klowns in my Koffee

I had a lovely message from the Unemployment people this morning. My 'shut-up' money is apparently classified as 'in lieu of notice' and I had to write little explanations of what termination money was for what and then fax in the pay stubs. To backtrack a bit, Porkus gives terminated employees their owed pay, any vacation pay and one week of pay "in lieu of notice."

For those new to the jargon, this is what 'in lieu of notice' means on a real close and personal level.



Some years ago, Porkus had combed the employee records and identified those employees who started working there before signing non-disclosure and non-compete forms became a requirement. They then forced employees to sign the forms and back date them as a condition of continuing employment. It would appear that these documents are even less enforceable than the typical non-compete that doesn't have spelling errors and isn't signed by a member of management who didn't work there on the date that the contract implies. At termination, I was asked to recall this absolutely binding (wink, wink) document and then consider signing a better written one in exchange for some more severance. I have close ties with local competitors so this wasn't really a bad idea.

The irony is that the local competitors are less ethical and quality-conscious than Porkus so why would I want more of what I didn't like already? As for sharing the confidential secrets of Porkus' success, it would be like a crew member of the Titanic announcing that the secret is to bring fewer lifeboats. Or (local Midwestern joke inserted here) wanting to hire Denny Hecker as a life coach.

So, "Confidential Information" is "any information concerning the operation of the Company or its customers, [sic] which is of a non-public nature." The extra comma is a nice touch and I'm glad that there will still be employees there who use punctuation at all since you would think that ee cummings wrote most of the emails. The giggle for me is that anyone who has seen Porkus even on a satellite photo knows that implying some ineptness and lack of vision on the part of management is simply confirming public knowledge. So the blog's in the clear.

The more interesting point is that it created a certain "Lady or the Tiger" conundrum. To cut to the chase, I now know the value of cloying acquiesence in $ net. Know that joke where the punchline is, "We've already determined what you are. Now we are merely negotiating price ..."? I had the form notarized.
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Remember that episode of Gilligan's Island where they were almost off the island and then Gilligan messes it up at the last minute? Yeah, I saw that one, too.
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I went to a Cub Scout bridging ceremony this evening. The adult volunteers do good work and try very hard. Bridging and presentation of the Arrow of Light award are Scout upward transitions into the next ranks. The text seems to have been written by the comedy team of former California governor Jerry Brown, Rudyard Kipling and Tonto actor Jay Silverheels. There's a lot of "many moons ago", "this mancub", and references to self-actualization. My mancub was busy wiggling in his chair and poking his friends. One of the transition gifts given to the boys moving up a level was a stout walking stick that would do Friar Tuck proud. Got the picture? Six nine-year-olds with big sticks in a church basement beyond the arms' length of their parents. Yes, jousting time! I'm sure there were a few Akela moments on the ride home.